All the moaning, the blood, the sweat, the tears... It was never about Subreality. It was about making myself feel better at the mediocre skills I had.
What a relief.
Now I don't have to feel bad about not paying attention to the boring and redundant RRs, or the stories that make me wince and grit my teeth. I don't have to send feedback, and I don't have to be constructively critical.
And I can stop caring.
Because it wasn't mine to care about, anyway.
I won't stop writing. The Plot Weasel room has taken up too much space in my brain to ever let it go. I like putting Spike against Lestat, Faith, Stryfe.. Or Dawn against Aeryn.
But it's for my amusement, and always has been.
As for my Muse, I can't get rid of her nor give her up. Writing about her is somewhat redundant, since she is my stories. But maybe I'll stop feeling bad about writing her. Though why I did really is ridiculous, since it was never MY stories that made me wince.
The second fic I ever wrote had my Muse in it. It was a little freaky meta-dream thing that got posted to the PMEB. Now that's scary, because that was long ago.
When did I lose my faith in Subreality? Was it when people first started mocking RRs? I may never know. I got bitter, though. It's very hard to defend things when, in your heart, you agree. Many RRs do, and did, suck. Muse tales, on the whole, are loads of shite. Most of the stuff being posted in Subreality today is complete and utter crap. (aside: I'm not talking the bits from TTR, btw.)
Do I want to go back to the way it was?
No.
Can it move forward? Of course.
But it won't do it with me. Or, at least, those there won't do it... And I'm confused.
I don't want to help 'them' get better.
Besides, isn't that the height of hypocrisy? Setting myself up as some Neo-Subreality-Guru. Yeah. Feel my arrogance.
In the end, I guess I'm just a self-doubting two-bit author with no talent and less intelligence.
But then, I always have been me.
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