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Entry tags:
fic: BSG2003, Kara/Anders, Another Hole in the Head
Disclaimer: not mine.
Length: 500 | Rating: PG
Set: Season three, around Unfinished Business and Eye of Jupiter.
Pairing: Kara/Anders
Notes: Introspective thingie that I started ages ago and never finished.
Another Hole in the Head
by ALC Pumk!
If it were just sex that Sam wants, you think you could handle that.
But he wants more. He wants you, he wants emotions, he wants that bright shiny future you both grabbed onto. The one that died (ironically) when you shoved Sam's knife into Leoben's ribs and twisted. The one that you mocked Lee for wanting. The one you wanted so badly but aren't going to fight for anymore.
Bright shiny futures are over-rated.
Anger is easier. Anger is control, and it's something you're used to.
You told Helo once that the only reason you were fighting was it was all you knew.
He didn't mock you, and didn't say you were wrong.
You think now you were right, then. Anger and violence are the only things you know. The only things that don't require some sort of emotional coin that you're too pissed off to ever deal in.
You're Starbuck, and that's easier than ever being Kara.
Sam thinks he wants Kara. Or maybe he wants the Starbuck who was on Caprica, the Starbuck who mocked him and fought him and played pyramid (and kicked his ass). The Starbuck who had an outlet for her anger when she escaped the farm
You're not that Starbuck. You're not that Kara. You're not entirely sure what you are, because there's too much that's happened. You've changed--you had to, or Leoben would have won (he did, in the end, but you're not allowing yourself to think that). You're shoving it all away and moving on--it's what you do best.
And you think that he should know you by now--after all, Zak knew you. Except that Zak believed the lie, so that's not really the truth, either.
It's also a lie that he doesn't know you, but if you let yourself realize that, it's just that much more frightening. So you run to anger and you run to Lee (or anyone else you can get your hands on, but Lee doesn't know that) and you bury yourself in the insanity you crave rather than face what you need.
Easier to convince yourself you don't need.
Needing is human.
And you're not particularly human--your mother made sure you understood that. Useless scrap of humanity (and if you push everyone away, that proves it even more, because who would love a screw-up like you?), pushing and pulling at the world until you've unraveled it (you didn't mean to break the lamp, but she didn't care) around your feet.
Sam needs you.
You can't handle that. You don't want to handle it. So you move on, you flirt with Dee's husband, and you get drunk and mock everyone and everything. You play triad, you smoke a once-again dwindling supply of cigars, you join in with Tigh's little rebellion, you frak with the other pilots--except Kat. Because Kat's dead, and that's your fault, too.
But you ignore that and soldier on, pretending everything is fine (the fighting Agathons, you said, and your voice was brittle then, but Sharon didn't care to point that out to you).
It's what you do best.
-f-
Length: 500 | Rating: PG
Set: Season three, around Unfinished Business and Eye of Jupiter.
Pairing: Kara/Anders
Notes: Introspective thingie that I started ages ago and never finished.
Another Hole in the Head
by ALC Pumk!
If it were just sex that Sam wants, you think you could handle that.
But he wants more. He wants you, he wants emotions, he wants that bright shiny future you both grabbed onto. The one that died (ironically) when you shoved Sam's knife into Leoben's ribs and twisted. The one that you mocked Lee for wanting. The one you wanted so badly but aren't going to fight for anymore.
Bright shiny futures are over-rated.
Anger is easier. Anger is control, and it's something you're used to.
You told Helo once that the only reason you were fighting was it was all you knew.
He didn't mock you, and didn't say you were wrong.
You think now you were right, then. Anger and violence are the only things you know. The only things that don't require some sort of emotional coin that you're too pissed off to ever deal in.
You're Starbuck, and that's easier than ever being Kara.
Sam thinks he wants Kara. Or maybe he wants the Starbuck who was on Caprica, the Starbuck who mocked him and fought him and played pyramid (and kicked his ass). The Starbuck who had an outlet for her anger when she escaped the farm
You're not that Starbuck. You're not that Kara. You're not entirely sure what you are, because there's too much that's happened. You've changed--you had to, or Leoben would have won (he did, in the end, but you're not allowing yourself to think that). You're shoving it all away and moving on--it's what you do best.
And you think that he should know you by now--after all, Zak knew you. Except that Zak believed the lie, so that's not really the truth, either.
It's also a lie that he doesn't know you, but if you let yourself realize that, it's just that much more frightening. So you run to anger and you run to Lee (or anyone else you can get your hands on, but Lee doesn't know that) and you bury yourself in the insanity you crave rather than face what you need.
Easier to convince yourself you don't need.
Needing is human.
And you're not particularly human--your mother made sure you understood that. Useless scrap of humanity (and if you push everyone away, that proves it even more, because who would love a screw-up like you?), pushing and pulling at the world until you've unraveled it (you didn't mean to break the lamp, but she didn't care) around your feet.
Sam needs you.
You can't handle that. You don't want to handle it. So you move on, you flirt with Dee's husband, and you get drunk and mock everyone and everything. You play triad, you smoke a once-again dwindling supply of cigars, you join in with Tigh's little rebellion, you frak with the other pilots--except Kat. Because Kat's dead, and that's your fault, too.
But you ignore that and soldier on, pretending everything is fine (the fighting Agathons, you said, and your voice was brittle then, but Sharon didn't care to point that out to you).
It's what you do best.
-f-
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(My stupid body clock woke me up 1.5 hours early...but awesome fic to keep me entertained. !!! )
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Thank you =)
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*snuggles and sighs* I want tacklage. And then reunion sex. And then Kara kicking his ass if he angsts.
Thank you =)
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It's good to know that latter, because I sometimes wonder.