fic: SG-1/BSG, crack!fic; Danger, Will Robinson

[lyssie]

Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: 18+ there is mention of sex. Some violence. A lot of booze. I think Capalert would term this a Hard PG13.
Warning: contains references to sex, alcohol, het, and femslash. Not to mention mockery, bondage, and nakedness.
Spoilers: ..er... none? Wait! One for Kara, for mid-season two.
Pairings: hooboy. Samantha/Cameron, Samantha/Vala, Samantha/Kara, Kara/Vala, Kara/Cameron, Vala/Cameron.
Notes: I'm sorry. I really did try to keep this gen--or at least flirty--but it's inevitable that my brain is wired that if Sam Carter and Kara Thrace are in the same room together, um, porn happens. Off-screen and possibly non-existent porn, of course.
This is loosely based on a random conversation in surrealphantast's journal a few days back. Um. Yeah. Not quite what I was expecting. (also, speaking of dolls you can play with...)

Danger, Will Robinson
by ALC Punk!

It had been one hell of a night, so far. Visiting Captain Kara Thrace was being shown around the town. Colonel Cameron Mitchell was along for the ride. And boy, was it a hell of a ride. With Sam Carter in the lead, and Vala Mal Doran not far behind in the orchestrations, they'd hit three bars. Tequila shots at each, and the last had also included Sam demonstrating a blow-job. Thrace had remarked that she preferred slippery nipples.

Eventually, the entourage had ended up at a motel. The girls had sent Cameron off to procure beer and snacks while they decided what to do with the rest of the night.

Little did he know what they had in store for him. Though he knew Sam Carter, and show have known better.

"You are not playing poker on me!"

"Shut up, Cameron," advised Sam.

In the grand scheme of things, Cameron Mitchell was pretty sure that having three hot women strip him naked was a good thing. The handcuffing him to a bed? Probably also good. The part where they were more interested in mocking each other, getting drunk and throwing popcorn? Not quite so good.

"Oh, Sam, you'll hurt his feelings," admonished Vala Mal Doran. She reached out and patted Cameron's head. "After all, he is a thinking, breathing creature."

Kara Thrace snorted and tossed Vala a bottle of beer. "He's a creature all right."

"Ante up!" Sam said, dealing efficiently, even though Cameron was breathing.

He yelped as the cold cards slapped onto his skin. "Sam!"

"Don't move!"

Vala grabbed for her cards and dumped a pair of earrings onto Cameron's belly button. "I'm in."

Slapping down a cigar, Kara dug her blunt nails into Cam's skin, then smiled sweetly and palmed her cards. "Everyone prepare to hand over your underwear."

"Perhaps I'm not wearing any," Vala suggested.

"Cameron certainly isn't." mocked Sam. She dropped a five into the pot. "I'm in."

How the hell had he gotten himself into this, anyway? Was it because Landry had told him to make the visiting Captain Thrace feel at home? Had it been Vala, with her wide grin? Or had it been Samantha Carter, with her perfectly innocent suggestion that he come along and chaperone them. He should have known better. He'd seen Samantha Carter take down men twice her size and then go get another beer. She didn't need chaperoning. She needed an idiot who would buy them all beer and snacks and then let them chain him to a bed. Naked.

Ok, so maybe it wasn't all bad.

"There are shrinkage issues," Vala said suddenly. She was eyeing Cameron's lower anatomy.

He blinked, then groaned.

"Maybe it's the cold cards?" Sam suggested.

"Right. That's it. Sam, stop throwing cold cards at Cameron."

"What should I do, warm them up, first?"

Vala grinned widely, "Of course."

"You could stick them down your shirt," Kara pointed out. She leered at the v-neck of Sam's blue t-shirt.

A blush colored Sam's cheeks, but she didn't tell Kara to mind her own business. Cameron might have taken more notice of this if Vala hadn't chosen that moment to throw her cards down--hitting him in several delicate places--and jump up, "I need another beer."

"Bring me one!" Sam called.

"Yes, Colonel!"

"Lush," Kara mocked.

"Am not."

"Are too."

Sam snorted, "I've only had a few drinks--"

"Sam, there was tequila," Cameron piped up from his position. Hey, in for a penny in for a pound, his grandmother used to say. "You know that you and tequila and beer usually equals--OW." He glared at her, wishing he could rub the shoulder she'd just punched, "You afraid I'll give away your dirty secrets, Sam?"

"Tell us anyway," implored Vala, dropping back into her spot and holding out a bottle to Sam.

Kara grabbed it and drank a large swallow before handing it to the other blonde. "Let me guess, she sings off-key in the shower."

"And how," agreed Cameron. "Not to mention the part where she tries to get her tongue to touch her nose and--OW!"

"Sam, stop hitting Cameron, he's defenseless." Vala admonished. She leaned sideways and snagged a pudding cup from the pile.

"He's always defenseless," Sam muttered.

"Hey!"

"Well, you are."

"Damn!" Vala flailed at the chocolate pudding that had dribbled off her over-full spoon. Two spots had landed neatly on her neck.

Now, if Cameron had been upright and able, he had a pretty good idea how he would have removed that chocolate--with a napkin. Really.

Kara snorted and casually leaned across Cameron to lick the drops up. Vala shivered and then grabbed Kara's chin, tugging her up and kissing her on the mouth.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. Cameron instructed himself, really hoping the mantra would work. Really, if someone had told Cameron he'd be witness to this sort of thing, he would have signed up long ago. Probably.

"Mmm." Kara licked her lips with a smack and settled back down next to Sam. "Tastes good."

Sam elbowed her, "I kiss better."

"And how would I know that?" Kara asked her mildly.

"Seven Minutes in Heaven." Cameron totally deserved the smack Sam delivered; he still winced, though. "C'mon, Sam."

"I'm not that drunk."

"You have to get drunk to want to kiss me, Carter? I'm hurt."

"No! I--" Sam flustered, as far as Cameron was concerned, was the cutest thing ever. She was kind of like a cat with her fur all ruffled from being combed backwards. Except, not small, and not a cat. And not furry.

He shook his head, wondering if he'd had as much to drink as the women had.

"Look, Carter, you wanna prove it, you gotta put your mouth where your money is."

The challenge was something Cameron was sure Sam would pass up. After all, Sam liked guys--didn't she? Hell, he'd been hearing rumors about her and O'Neill for months. So it was a bit of a shock when she turned and kissed Thrace.

It wasn't a quick kiss, either.

Yeah. Cam repeated his mantra, closing his eyes--and opening them again immediately as that really didn't help matters. His imagination was working overtime.

Sam broke the kiss and looked rather satisfied with herself as she turned back and began gathering up the forgotten cards.

"You two, and your adorable Earth customs," Vala said, grinning.

"It's not an Earth custom--"

"I'm not adorable--"

Sam and Kara stopped trying to talk over each other. Instead, they glared at each other.

"I think I need another beer," said Vala. She waved her empty pudding cup, "And maybe another of these."

"We're out," Kara informed her. "Carter here drank the last one."

"Drat." Turning her smile onto Cameron, Vala said sweetly, "Cam, why don't you get me a six-pack?"

"Kinda can't get up, Vala."

"Oh, right." She patted his chest then threw a handful of cards at Sam, "You've got the money, Colonel Carter, would you please do the honors?"

"Yeah? Yes." Nodding, Sam clambered off the bed and headed for the door.

Sticking her cigar in her mouth, Kara got up. "Think I'll go with her."

"You do that. Try not to get arrested," Vala instructed, tone superior. "We can't bail you out, since Sam has all the money, and Cameron's naked." She considered, "He'd probably get thrown in there with you."

"We'll be good," Kara promised sweetly.

Sam rolled her eyes, "You're not good, Thrace. You're evil."

"But I'm damn good at being evil."

Once they'd gone, Cameron found Vala staring at him intently. He shifted, uncomfortable. "What?"

"I'm thinking."

Oh, that didn't sound good. He shifted again, trying to get a little more comfortable. "Oh?"

"If they go off to have sex like I think they're planning, there should be time for me to have sex with you."

"Ah..." Cameron managed.

Vala smiled happily, "You just have to say yes, Cameron."

"And if I say no?"

She turned serious, "I will not force you to have consensual sexual relations with me, Colonel Mitchell." She leaned down and kissed him gently. "But I will be disappointed."

Really. He could have said no. But he was a guy, and she was a girl, and she was hot. Cameron was not an idiot. "I accept, then."

"Good!" Vala clapped and hopped up to begin stripping. "Then, you stay right there while I get the whipped cream and pudding."

Oh, he was in trouble.

-=-

Things had returned, relatively, to normal when Kara and Sam returned. Both were slightly flushed, and Sam looked far more relaxed. Cameron was relaxed, too. And sleepy. He waved at them and snuggled closer to Vala, who'd fallen asleep.

Both of them stopped to stare at him, then at Vala. Kara snickered first. "Got busy while we were gone, did we?"

"Oh, don't be so superior, Kara," Vala retorted without opening her eyes, "You've been gone long enough for at least three orgasms. Or is it four?"

Sam was blushing. Cameron eyed her, then decided he so didn't want to know and closed his eyes. "You should sleep."

"There's whipped cream on the bed," Sam observed. "I think I'll take the floor."

Cameron decided he was too tired to blush and waved a free hand at her. "The floor is probably cold."

"I'll be fine."

"And what about me? My ass gets cold easy, Carter." Thrace was almost whining.

Sam sighed and grabbed the comforter, "We can share."

"Good."

"I'm cold now," Vala informed him, snuggling closer.

"'k." With a yawn, Cameron tugged the remaining blankets around them more firmly and closed his eyes.

-=-

The next morning, Cameron was certain his head was going to fall off. The taste in his mouth? Not so good. His arms and shoulders ached, and he was pretty sure his skin was raw from the places Sam, Kara and Vala had slapped cards down. Too much poker. Either that, he decided once he'd realized that there was a very female body snuggled up against him, or the sex had been a bit exhausting.

All three women awoke at once. And Cameron was fascinated and frightened by the sight of three hung over, headachy and pissed-off women fighting over the bathroom. He actually slid off the bed and hid behind it before Vala convinced Sam and Kara the two could share the shower after she was done.

Then he was alone with the two of them.

Sam broke the silence first, "I'm going to go get some aspirin."

"I'll go with you."

Apparently, shopping required buddies. Cameron wasn't going to ask, though.

With the motel room nominally empty, he made his way to the phone and called the SGC to let them know how things were, and that they'd be heading in sometime later that day. The officer on duty took his message, then randomly transferred him to Daniel. Cameron had no idea why Daniel was still there, but the bastard had gotten out of the night before by claiming to have too much work to do.

"Morning, Jackson."

"Mitchell." There was a pause, then Daniel said, "Keep you up all night, did they? You sound a little... worn out."

"You don't know the half of it," Cameron muttered.

"And I don't want to."

"Yeah, well, how the hell did you convince the general you had work?"

"Because I'm smarter than you, Cameron." Oh. Mockery. Cameron was used to this. "And I know Sam Carter very well."

"Yeah, but do you know what she's like when she's drunk?"

"Mitchell, I've seen Sam do things you wouldn't dream of. And I would never subject myself to them again."

"Listen, Mr. All-wise and--"

"Oh!" Vala grabbed the phone from Mitchell. He'd missed her showing up, he didn't miss the part where she was naked from the shower, though. It gave her enough time to get away from him with the phone. "Hello, Daniel, we missed you last night!"

"We did?"

"Of course we did!" Vala replied, gushing slightly and glaring at Cameron.

He glared back and huffed before beginning the search for his clothing.

"Well, no, Daniel, we didn't let him keep his clothes. Oh. How did you know-- oh!" Vala suddenly laughed, "That's very true. He really is rather gullible."

"Hey! I'm still here!"

"Oh, I wasn't talking about you, Cameron." Vala pulled the phone away and called to him, then went back to the phone, "We weren't, well, at least, I wasn't. Now, Daniel, I've got to ask you--had you ever realized that Colonel Carter is gay?"

Cameron sighed and pulled on his pants. At least he had those, even if he didn't have his underwear, socks, shoes, or shirt. And Sam would kill Vala. Probably.

But he was not going to be there for that. Nope. Like Dr. Jackson, he'd have a mountain of work to do, the next time the women of SG-1 decided they were going to go out.

-f-