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A primer for Sam/Jack smut writers.
1. Please. Leave the words 'nub', 'bud', and 'folds' at the door. They make my head hurt.
2. Jack is not going to call Sam 'baby' unless he's hoping she'll remove his tongue. With a rusty spoon. 'Babe', 'sugarlips', and 'honey' are also not good choices for endearments. 'Carter' is what he'll probable call her. And 'Sam' only before season three. Maybe. Or after he's retired and had to snap a rubber-band on his wrist a hundred times before remembering not to call her 'Carter'.
3. Likewise, it's JUST possible Sam won't remember not to call him 'Colonel' and 'sir'. There are slip-ups, y'know (although, this begs the question: has she ever called Pete 'Colonel' in bed?). She'll probably adjust to calling him 'Jack', though.
4. For fuck's sake, Jack is NOT going to cry out her name when he hits his mind-numbingly fantastic orgasm and spills his seed deep inside... Most men grunt. A few might whine. For all we know, Jack sings the star-spangled banner.
5. There is no five.
6. I'm distracted. I should sleep.
2. Jack is not going to call Sam 'baby' unless he's hoping she'll remove his tongue. With a rusty spoon. 'Babe', 'sugarlips', and 'honey' are also not good choices for endearments. 'Carter' is what he'll probable call her. And 'Sam' only before season three. Maybe. Or after he's retired and had to snap a rubber-band on his wrist a hundred times before remembering not to call her 'Carter'.
3. Likewise, it's JUST possible Sam won't remember not to call him 'Colonel' and 'sir'. There are slip-ups, y'know (although, this begs the question: has she ever called Pete 'Colonel' in bed?). She'll probably adjust to calling him 'Jack', though.
4. For fuck's sake, Jack is NOT going to cry out her name when he hits his mind-numbingly fantastic orgasm and spills his seed deep inside... Most men grunt. A few might whine. For all we know, Jack sings the star-spangled banner.
5. There is no five.
6. I'm distracted. I should sleep.
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Re: #1 - Or 'petals'. Don't use the word 'petals' and don't make the petals 'dewey'. Seriously. Just say no. Gardening as a euphemism for hawt sex? Nono.
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I'd let baby slip by. As long as Jack wasn't serious... Because Sam would remove his tongue. *nod*
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although, this begs the question: has she ever called Pete 'Colonel' in bed?
You know she has. She and Pete are slap bang in the middle of "lets not talk about it" denial. Or at least I hope they are. And then the relationship crumbles under the pressure of mentioning Jack's hero!sperm *rubs hands together in a somewhat evil manner*
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Oh, thankewverymuch for that lovely image now burned in my brain!
*goes to find mental brillo pads to scrub brain clean again*
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Also:
Pete was slightly disturbed but not overly shocked to discover Sam had a military kink. It made sense, he figured. Of course, maybe he was just too damn nice. He accepted the kinks of his lovers because, well, they might cry otherwise. Though he still had nightmares about the chick with the alsation.
Anyway, it wasn't too invasive. He did kind of wonder if she was having daddy issues there, but maybe he was being overly Freudian about it. (All the guys at work joked about that. It was sad. Sometimes a gun really is a phallic symbol.) And it wasn't all that distracting, since she only really called him 'sir' or 'colonel' occasionally, during sex and he wasn't that fussy as long as she was there.
Oh, and sometimes she said it when they were snuggling and she was all sleepy. She didn't seem to know she did it, so Pete didn't mind. As long as she was happy and stuff.
Recently, he'd got a promotion, and was apparently a General now. That was nice. That probably meant the sex was really good for her. He mentioned it to her friend Jack one time, and got a funny look. That was okay. Some people were just weird about sex.
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And wouldn't that be a proud moment for all Americans!!! I know my heart swells with patriotic pride just thinking about it!!! *snerk*
And Sam soooooo would scream Jack/Col./Gen./etc during sex with Pete. Pete's just in denial about the whole thing.
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I largely can't deal with sappy-sweet Sam/Jack fic. There needs to be tension there, and most writers don't put it in.
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Though she might call him Colonel if they are acting out some really kinky fantasy....ok...maybe that's just me? :-)
I would prefer to hear him grunt and growl rather than do the other things I guess...see now you totally confused me and I can't stop thinking :Jack-bed-naked-sweaty-fucking-...
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Sam smiled as she carefully parted her own flowery folds to reveal her previously hidden, tiny, bud-shapped nub. "Jack hon, you're so sweet. Touch me, you sexy beast."
Jack touched, and it was so amazingly wonderful that he suddenly hit his man-gasm, spilling his seed inside his pants (and wasting perfectly good hero sperm that would be more useful inside Sam's willing, lithe body). "SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" he cried.
"Sam?"
Sam awoke. She looked over at Pete, who was dressed in his Barney Miller pajamas and reading a book called How to tell if your Fiancee is a dirty h0r cheating on you. His face was very round in the lamplight.
"Is something wrong, my faithful, virginal buttercup?" asked Pete.
Sam blushed, realizing she had had an (omfg!) ILLICIT WET DREAM. And that it was WAY BETTER than the sex she actually had been having. "Oh, Colonel, I'm sorry. I was dreaming that I was having sex, sir, and my real body must have gotten carried away with all the amazing sex I was having. Don't worry, sir, it was just a wet dream. I'd never cheat on you with Pete."
Pete considered this. "Are you all right, Sam?"
"Yes, sir, General, sir, perfectly fine."
Pete, reassured by his fiancee's words, nodded in satisfaction and returned to his book. "Good night, Sam."
"Good night, my mighty warrior."
The End!
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I don't think I want to know how you discovered this.
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*hides under desk out of FEAR*
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I think after they've been together a while Jack will alternate between "Carter" and "Sam", because it'll be less of a big deal.
I think Sam would have less trouble switching to "Jack" now than she would have a year ago because she's already had to dislodge "Colonel" from her brain. "Sir" will still show up often, and most likely neither of them will notice.
Sugarlips is never a good choice for an endearment. Ever.
That is really all I have to say on this subject :)
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Eeew.
Still, it's better than 3/4s of the S/J smut out there...
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Thank you eversomuch for that image. I am now permanently scarred and traumatized for life. The only cure is fic in which Jack actually does this and there is a semi-logical explanation for it.
--LJ
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So, a logical reason why he's singing the star-spangled banner while having sex with Carter?
Hrm.
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--LJ
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--LJ
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On the other hand, she does have a single-syllable first name, so if he did say her name, at least it wouldn't sound too weird.
I had a guy do the name thing on me once and it killed the mood because it sounded like he was having an aneurysm.
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*pokes and spreads evil plot bunnies*
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Hrm.
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It should be banned from the English language. It really should.
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