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BSG Meta: Kara and Sam and that whole abused spouse thing...
So, um, there is a new round of "Sam is an abused spouse! If you gender-swapped it, no one would give Kara a free pass! Lee/Kara isn't abusive because they both hit and it's not abusive if you're not in a relationship!" going around. And I'm a bit, "whatever, concern trolls" about it, along with "please stop repeating yourselves, it's not 2008 anymore."
BUT. Into every life, some meta must fall, and despite the fact that I've probably said this all before (and that other people have said it far more intelligently), I figure, what the hell.
Note: if you're new here, I ship Kara/Sam, and this is very subjective and stuff.
1. I know this is going to be really a strange thought, but I don't... I don't think I find Kara to be abusive? At least, not in the way I normally see abusive men portrayed (belittling the wife/gf, making her believe he's the only thing in her life that's good, that she deserves what he's doing to her, shutting her off from her own friends, controlling what she wears, etc.ok, so now I want fic where Kara forbids Sam to wear sleeves).
What she's doing isn't in any way a means to tearing down Sam (or Lee). In fact, it's a means to tear herself down. The self-deprecation of "cheating bitch of a wife" leaves it pretty clear that Kara is punishing herself.
All the way up through UB, it seems clear that Kara is trying to keep Sam away from herself/emotionally-detached from her because she still hasn't dealt with the New Caprica thing. We don't know if Sam knew about the dollhouse at that point (it is so frustrating, the things they left up to guess-work). We know he knows a little, that Kara's reaction in Collaborators was a classic "I've been raped/hurt/abused, stay away from me because I'm going to do it back to people" (though whether he recognizes it, at the time, is debatable. I don't think he does. I think he's still working on the assumption that she's perfectly fine--TIGH lost an eye, but he wasn't anymore broken, that only happened after hemurdered killed Ellen--which is why he gives her the dogtag back, trying to shock her out of it.)
Second, Sam has the option to walk away. He's not even on the Galactica anymore. He could sever all ties to her and never look back. This isn't like in real life where a woman/man might be trapped financially or with kids. Yes, there are emotional ties that can also hold an abused spouse--but again, Kara hasn't isolated Sam or convinced him she's the only thing that matters in his life.
The most that Kara's trying to do to exert control over him is hurt him to make him go away. Again, something that rebounds and hurts her, because it proves she's not worthy of being loved.
On top of that, Kara's not the only one pushing in the UB scene. Sam wants her back, and he's terribly human and vulnerable about it.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I think Kara's an ass in UB, but I also don't see an issue with it, given how she's NOT dealing with everything and how she's been SHOWN to not ever ever deal with anything. (er, I also think Sam is, too? This is, after all, the second time he walks away from Kara, btw. He doesn't know how to deal with her.)
And there is a big fucking difference in simply being an asshole and being an abuser.
Now, as an aside, I'd like to note a few things:
1. Kara was gone for four months, it's perfectly natural for Sam to not want to let her go. It's also stupid and human for him to reject her being broken. I'm good with that.
2. Kara has her pick of people to fuck. She calls Sam. I don't think it's just because he has a nice penis. Unless you all subscribe to that whole theory about how women have to have an emotional component to get off? I don't think Kara does.
I'm sorry, I was watching the end of 1408 and got distracted. Where was I?
Oh, right. Kara the abuser.
*reads over what's already on the page*
Hrm. I think I've covered that. All right, moving onto pistol-whipping Sam.
We dealt with that whole thing on fandomsecrets not that long ago, but to reiterate: Kara hit everyone, it wasn't personal, and it's not a reason to walk away from a marriage that you've put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into.
Especially when you're all twisted up about whether you're human or not. (and that goes for Kara AND Sam)
This is the thing: you cannot remove Kara and Sam's actions from their context. They happen because of the context, not because Kara and Sam are evil people who go around abusing everyone. (or Kara and Lee, though I don't particularly think 'beating each other to a pulp' is exactly healthy, but that's something other people have covered extensively)
There is so much going on in season four to fuck with their heads:
Kara: came back from the dead, driven to find Earth, going insane, doesn't know what she is, still has post-NC PTSD, is thrust into command, etc, etc. And that's not even covering that the man she considered a father has repeatedly told her she's a cancer and choke-slammed her (you want to talk abusive relationships? Adama vs Kara? Yeah. His main goal is cutting her to pieces and controlling her.)
Sam: Wife died, discovered he's a Cylon, wife is resurrected and doesn't know what she is, wife threatened to shoot him, DISCOVERED HE'S AN EVIL ROBOT THAT DESTROYED HUMANITY.
Is it any wonder these two aren't very healthy when they interact? They're both trying to reclaim their humanity, the only way they know how. With emotions, and blood, sweat and paint and sex.
The scene in Ties That Bind is their states of mind in a nutshell, right down to Sam finally getting to sex up his wife again. (ok, that last is gratuitous, but it is a good point: DEAD FOR X NUMBER OF MONTHS, and I don't think Sam had any company aside from Tory, and KARA IS STILL THE WOMAN HE LOVES. I totally do not blame him for stepping up and going, "sexnaopls")
To wit: KARA WAS DEAD. If you don't think that gives Sam a free pass to sex her up, even when she's being mean to him, YOU HAVE NO SOUL.
And the aftermath echoes between them all the way into Revelations, where she finally finds out. And then it all just clicks for her: why Sam has been squirrelly, why he's been using her as much as she was using him.
Because Sam was using her. She was a human connection to reality, after all.
If Kara's classed as abusive, then so is Sam. And so is Lee. The latter throws as many, if not more, punches. And he's also verbally abusive towards her, tearing her down as often as not (pilot who can't keep her pants on, anyone?) (not to mention: how squicky is the implication that KARA OWES LEE SEX for wearing a dress, and it's ok for him to punch her in the emotions and the face and make her come crawling back to him and apologize for it? That rings way more "I'm sorry I made you hit me, baby" than ANY Kara/Sam interaction. EVER) (also, that scene is even squickier if you paste it into gender-swap, since then it's the whiny girlfriend calling her bf on his sleeping around, and him just punching her instead)
AHEM. I got way off-track, there. Mostly because this is pretty stream-of-consciousness. I'm trying hard not to repeat myself and failing a lot.
So, yes, blah, found he was a Cylon, blah. Found her dead body on Earth, didn't talk to him until he was shot in the head...
It's funny, but Sam's "YOU OWE ME" line was sort of wince-worthy.
But before I get to that, can we talk about the whole gun thing?
One of the things I loved about BotS, was that Kara rescuesthe damsel Sam, and they both immediately go for the ammunition. And Kara knows without looking that Sam is behind her grabbing guns when Lee shouts at her. That whole vibe is one of my kinks, you know. That instinctive "I rescued my man, and he is now gonna be gettin' him some guns." thing? OH GOD BE STILL MY HEART.
I. I. Ok. I'm going to read fandomsecrets before continuing, because my reaction to Sam getting shot and Kara making her decision that Sam is more important than anything else to her, it just. It makes me incoherent.
I don't think I've meta'd much about 4.5. Partly because it's sad-causing and partly because it makes me really angry. But I haven't really thought about Kara/Sam all that deeply. And now that I'm trying to, all I'm really coming up with is a jumble of emotions and babbling.
1. Sam gets shot, and Kara immediately is at his side. Right here, everything she's ever cared about is blowing up in her face. In that instant, it doesn't matter that he's a Cylon, that he lied about it, that she found her own corpse, that Leoben ran away, that Adama might die, that the ship is in the charge of someone who loathes her--
Sam is dying by inches, his eyes already going blank, and Tigh wants her to leave him behind.
Kara knows that it's almost hopeless, but while Sam is breathing, she's going to give it a try. She's going to drag the guy who's probably got 100 pounds on her from where he fell to the infirmary, and he is not going to die on her.
2. Against the odds, Kara gets him there. She has some help, as I assume Romo really did help (despite not wanting to). Then the 4.5 monster strikes even further. Instead of Sam being Sam, he's got all of his memories and he's more than Sam. I'm not sure I'd be able to deal with that, but Kara, who's already lost everything anyway, can't let him go.
I love the fact that she makes the decision to operate, that she's the one who's being the adult here. (and it is an echo back to Demetrius, when Sam was the adult and she was the prophet)
3. The odds come back to bite her on the ass, Sam is comatose, then a hybrid.
And right there, Kara gives that speech about just wanting her Sam back AND OH MY HEART. Like they didn't own it before. Kara goes through more trials by fire, until she faces up to the reality:
4. Neither of them are the people they were, they've both changed irrevocably. Kara doesn't know what she is anymore, Sam is something that isn't Cylon or Human.
Kara and Sam are dead, long live Kara and Sam.
->>Note: I loathe the hybrid violently, but it's.... almost allowable, if Kara isn't Kara and Sam isn't Sam.
5. So, anyway, at this point, Kara and Sam are inextricably linked, and, and, well, then Sam flies into the sun and Kara disappears. And they lived happily ever after in angel-land, or got reincarnated, or just have lots of sex, or all of the above.
Also, Kara, who was changing all season long, had that last growth spurt and is an adult (she hit being an 'adult' sometime in BotS, she just didn't come to terms with it). And if Sam had lived as a human and she hadn't disappeared, they would have tromped off to become sea pirates.
...um. I had a point somewhere back there. I don't remember what it was anymore. SORRY. I got distracted by the whole MY OTP ARE AUGH-INDUCING OH MY HEART bit.
BUT. Into every life, some meta must fall, and despite the fact that I've probably said this all before (and that other people have said it far more intelligently), I figure, what the hell.
Note: if you're new here, I ship Kara/Sam, and this is very subjective and stuff.
1. I know this is going to be really a strange thought, but I don't... I don't think I find Kara to be abusive? At least, not in the way I normally see abusive men portrayed (belittling the wife/gf, making her believe he's the only thing in her life that's good, that she deserves what he's doing to her, shutting her off from her own friends, controlling what she wears, etc.
What she's doing isn't in any way a means to tearing down Sam (or Lee). In fact, it's a means to tear herself down. The self-deprecation of "cheating bitch of a wife" leaves it pretty clear that Kara is punishing herself.
All the way up through UB, it seems clear that Kara is trying to keep Sam away from herself/emotionally-detached from her because she still hasn't dealt with the New Caprica thing. We don't know if Sam knew about the dollhouse at that point (it is so frustrating, the things they left up to guess-work). We know he knows a little, that Kara's reaction in Collaborators was a classic "I've been raped/hurt/abused, stay away from me because I'm going to do it back to people" (though whether he recognizes it, at the time, is debatable. I don't think he does. I think he's still working on the assumption that she's perfectly fine--TIGH lost an eye, but he wasn't anymore broken, that only happened after he
Second, Sam has the option to walk away. He's not even on the Galactica anymore. He could sever all ties to her and never look back. This isn't like in real life where a woman/man might be trapped financially or with kids. Yes, there are emotional ties that can also hold an abused spouse--but again, Kara hasn't isolated Sam or convinced him she's the only thing that matters in his life.
The most that Kara's trying to do to exert control over him is hurt him to make him go away. Again, something that rebounds and hurts her, because it proves she's not worthy of being loved.
On top of that, Kara's not the only one pushing in the UB scene. Sam wants her back, and he's terribly human and vulnerable about it.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I think Kara's an ass in UB, but I also don't see an issue with it, given how she's NOT dealing with everything and how she's been SHOWN to not ever ever deal with anything. (er, I also think Sam is, too? This is, after all, the second time he walks away from Kara, btw. He doesn't know how to deal with her.)
And there is a big fucking difference in simply being an asshole and being an abuser.
Now, as an aside, I'd like to note a few things:
1. Kara was gone for four months, it's perfectly natural for Sam to not want to let her go. It's also stupid and human for him to reject her being broken. I'm good with that.
2. Kara has her pick of people to fuck. She calls Sam. I don't think it's just because he has a nice penis. Unless you all subscribe to that whole theory about how women have to have an emotional component to get off? I don't think Kara does.
I'm sorry, I was watching the end of 1408 and got distracted. Where was I?
Oh, right. Kara the abuser.
*reads over what's already on the page*
Hrm. I think I've covered that. All right, moving onto pistol-whipping Sam.
We dealt with that whole thing on fandomsecrets not that long ago, but to reiterate: Kara hit everyone, it wasn't personal, and it's not a reason to walk away from a marriage that you've put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into.
Especially when you're all twisted up about whether you're human or not. (and that goes for Kara AND Sam)
This is the thing: you cannot remove Kara and Sam's actions from their context. They happen because of the context, not because Kara and Sam are evil people who go around abusing everyone. (or Kara and Lee, though I don't particularly think 'beating each other to a pulp' is exactly healthy, but that's something other people have covered extensively)
There is so much going on in season four to fuck with their heads:
Kara: came back from the dead, driven to find Earth, going insane, doesn't know what she is, still has post-NC PTSD, is thrust into command, etc, etc. And that's not even covering that the man she considered a father has repeatedly told her she's a cancer and choke-slammed her (you want to talk abusive relationships? Adama vs Kara? Yeah. His main goal is cutting her to pieces and controlling her.)
Sam: Wife died, discovered he's a Cylon, wife is resurrected and doesn't know what she is, wife threatened to shoot him, DISCOVERED HE'S AN EVIL ROBOT THAT DESTROYED HUMANITY.
Is it any wonder these two aren't very healthy when they interact? They're both trying to reclaim their humanity, the only way they know how. With emotions, and blood, sweat and paint and sex.
The scene in Ties That Bind is their states of mind in a nutshell, right down to Sam finally getting to sex up his wife again. (ok, that last is gratuitous, but it is a good point: DEAD FOR X NUMBER OF MONTHS, and I don't think Sam had any company aside from Tory, and KARA IS STILL THE WOMAN HE LOVES. I totally do not blame him for stepping up and going, "sexnaopls")
To wit: KARA WAS DEAD. If you don't think that gives Sam a free pass to sex her up, even when she's being mean to him, YOU HAVE NO SOUL.
And the aftermath echoes between them all the way into Revelations, where she finally finds out. And then it all just clicks for her: why Sam has been squirrelly, why he's been using her as much as she was using him.
Because Sam was using her. She was a human connection to reality, after all.
If Kara's classed as abusive, then so is Sam. And so is Lee. The latter throws as many, if not more, punches. And he's also verbally abusive towards her, tearing her down as often as not (pilot who can't keep her pants on, anyone?) (not to mention: how squicky is the implication that KARA OWES LEE SEX for wearing a dress, and it's ok for him to punch her in the emotions and the face and make her come crawling back to him and apologize for it? That rings way more "I'm sorry I made you hit me, baby" than ANY Kara/Sam interaction. EVER) (also, that scene is even squickier if you paste it into gender-swap, since then it's the whiny girlfriend calling her bf on his sleeping around, and him just punching her instead)
AHEM. I got way off-track, there. Mostly because this is pretty stream-of-consciousness. I'm trying hard not to repeat myself and failing a lot.
So, yes, blah, found he was a Cylon, blah. Found her dead body on Earth, didn't talk to him until he was shot in the head...
It's funny, but Sam's "YOU OWE ME" line was sort of wince-worthy.
But before I get to that, can we talk about the whole gun thing?
One of the things I loved about BotS, was that Kara rescues
I. I. Ok. I'm going to read fandomsecrets before continuing, because my reaction to Sam getting shot and Kara making her decision that Sam is more important than anything else to her, it just. It makes me incoherent.
I don't think I've meta'd much about 4.5. Partly because it's sad-causing and partly because it makes me really angry. But I haven't really thought about Kara/Sam all that deeply. And now that I'm trying to, all I'm really coming up with is a jumble of emotions and babbling.
1. Sam gets shot, and Kara immediately is at his side. Right here, everything she's ever cared about is blowing up in her face. In that instant, it doesn't matter that he's a Cylon, that he lied about it, that she found her own corpse, that Leoben ran away, that Adama might die, that the ship is in the charge of someone who loathes her--
Sam is dying by inches, his eyes already going blank, and Tigh wants her to leave him behind.
Kara knows that it's almost hopeless, but while Sam is breathing, she's going to give it a try. She's going to drag the guy who's probably got 100 pounds on her from where he fell to the infirmary, and he is not going to die on her.
2. Against the odds, Kara gets him there. She has some help, as I assume Romo really did help (despite not wanting to). Then the 4.5 monster strikes even further. Instead of Sam being Sam, he's got all of his memories and he's more than Sam. I'm not sure I'd be able to deal with that, but Kara, who's already lost everything anyway, can't let him go.
I love the fact that she makes the decision to operate, that she's the one who's being the adult here. (and it is an echo back to Demetrius, when Sam was the adult and she was the prophet)
3. The odds come back to bite her on the ass, Sam is comatose, then a hybrid.
And right there, Kara gives that speech about just wanting her Sam back AND OH MY HEART. Like they didn't own it before. Kara goes through more trials by fire, until she faces up to the reality:
4. Neither of them are the people they were, they've both changed irrevocably. Kara doesn't know what she is anymore, Sam is something that isn't Cylon or Human.
Kara and Sam are dead, long live Kara and Sam.
->>Note: I loathe the hybrid violently, but it's.... almost allowable, if Kara isn't Kara and Sam isn't Sam.
5. So, anyway, at this point, Kara and Sam are inextricably linked, and, and, well, then Sam flies into the sun and Kara disappears. And they lived happily ever after in angel-land, or got reincarnated, or just have lots of sex, or all of the above.
Also, Kara, who was changing all season long, had that last growth spurt and is an adult (she hit being an 'adult' sometime in BotS, she just didn't come to terms with it). And if Sam had lived as a human and she hadn't disappeared, they would have tromped off to become sea pirates.
...um. I had a point somewhere back there. I don't remember what it was anymore. SORRY. I got distracted by the whole MY OTP ARE AUGH-INDUCING OH MY HEART bit.
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All of that, yes. <3 Also, if the genders actually *were* reversed? Fandom would be making excuses for Kara and coming up with reasons why Sam actually needed to be 'punished.' And while I know it's not intentional deconstruction of gender dynamics (not entirely anyway), a large part of why I appreciate Kara/Sam is *because* it deconstructs those dynamics, and bringing this sort of fandom fail to the forefront is just one of those things. Not that that makes me any less bitter about the fandom fail, but still.
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And this here is why I try not to tread into places where fandom gets like that, because uh, what. I do believe that this might happen, but I don't want to believe it.
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(Hey, remember when Chief Tyrol had a mental freakout and literally beat his tiny not-yet-girlfriend unconscious, and everybody totally understood it wasn't really his fault, then spent the next two seasons hating insanely on said girl? No? I totally must've dreamed that.)
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Hee, icon twins!