lyssie | movie review: GI Joe

spoilers, obvsly.

I liked it. It was fast, it had some basic plot, and it wasn't all "Americans, yay!" which I was vaguely worried about...

However, there was one thing that is slowly killing my love for it.

The Baroness. I loved her. I loved the idea that this idiot got her brother killed and she snapped and she's on this whole revenge kick and loving it.

Except, of course, she didn't. She was just a meat puppet with no will of her own.

That is so fucking annoying. I can't even put into words how demeaning the concept of "women must be programed to be evil" is, not to mention gutting all of the emotional intensity and just making it sort of stale and boring. I mean, sure, I thought the Baroness/Duke thing was a little eye-roll inducing, but seriously?

PROGRAMED BY HER BROTHER TO FUCK AROUND AND STEAL SHIT AND KILL PEOPLE.

There's sort of no way to save that from being highly fucking offensive.

I was looking forward to all sorts of evil/good conflict with her loyalties, and they just wrecked it, making it all black and white. Bleh.

Also, I'm sure she'll now settle down as a blonde again and be the Perfectest Little Wifey, yays. Right? Because the only reason she wasn't before was brain-washing. =D

And then there's Cover Girl. I... She wasn't fridged, though her death was pointless. She wasn't killed to make anyone angst, she was just killed. And that sucks and is stupid and wouldn't be so bad if she, Scarlett and Baroness weren't the only women with speaking roles.

On the up side, we have Scarlett being utterly awesome and pwning lots. And we have a multi-cultural cast wherein the white American boy pretty much does FUCK ALL. Thank god. Duke was possibly the most useless person on the entire team.

You know how the girl is always getting captured?

Not in GI Joe. In GI Joe, the 'hero' is captured and... saved by a girl.

And then proceeds to do fuck-all again until delivering some figure-head speech.

See, here's a question. Is this a metaphor for how white boys take all the damned credit for everything?

Because, seriously? The planet was saved by the black guy and the girl. Oh, and the mute ninja dude and the French-Moroccan dude.

So, if I ignore the 'brainwashed' bullshit, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Especially since they never BURIED Cover Girl and I am good at fanwanking anyone alive.

Also. GI Joe is multi-national, which I loved as a concept and love even more in action.

GI Joe = UNIT + more firepower - aliens, y/y?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think her brother just commanded her to be loyal to the side fighting the Joes (that way, they have a way of making sure Baronness won't turn on them) -- at least, that's my position until I'm convinced otherwise.

probably is a metaphor...or the law of averages finally (trying to be) kicking Hollywood in the cajones. ;)

Cover Girl went to the hospital alongside Hawk (who I honestly thought would be replaced by the chameleon agent), but either her injuries were worse than his, or she was sent home to recuperate (which, technically, Hawk should've done too).

WE ARE THE DALEKS. WHO DO YOU THINK INSTALLED THE JOES' DESERT BASE?

I'm hoping it's just that. Or that they didn't kick in until she started going wiggy.
*cackles*

Yeah, see, I loves me a good brainwashing plot. This? Not a good brainwashing plot. Ugh, the Baroness was so kickass and awesome and then...ugh. (In my brain, I feel like handwaving that the brainwashing was just tweaking memories around and giving her different interpretations of events [possibly with Duke being more of an asshole or something], and her flashing back to break the brainwashing triggered the failsafe. AND THAT ALL HER AWESOME WAS HER OWN, KTHNX.)

But it amused me that Duke did fuck all and was tied up while Scarlett and Ripcord and Breaker and Snake-Eyes were all off being awesome.

It is hard for Duke to have been more than an asshole. BUT. I'm down with tweaked memories. Also with mourning her brother and wanting to make everyone else hurt, too.

I've been holding off seeing this until I see a review of someone I trust. I'm not sure if I'll see it at all now. Sounds like they screwed up almost all my favorite characters. I loved Baroness. I loved that she was evil and always plotting with Destro against Cobra Commander. And I loved Cover Girl if for no other reason than she was a redhead and had a cool leather jacket and they kill her? I loved Scarlett because she kicked ass and was also a redhead. I loved Lady Jaye and she's not even in it. And Destro, I understand he didn't even really wear his mask. And not even jackass Shipwreck in there (I always strangely liked him).

*clings to my childhood cartoons and weeps for these remakes*

Wait, Cover Girl was in the movie? Are you talking about the Lutenant standing next to Gen Hawk a few times? Was that actually supposed to be Cover Girl? WTF?

And I agree about Shipwreck. He is/was/ever shall be awesome. What kind of a no-talent hack writes a Joe movie with major parts taking place in the water and leaves out the resident pirate!?!

Yup, that was Cover Girl (she's even got her own action figure! Which, I give them credit for GIVING ME MY GIRLS, but. Still lame.)

Aw. It's not awful? I mean, I really really enjoyed it up until that bit (ok, so the Duke stuff was lame and annoying even before that--I hope it's customary to loathe him).

See it cheap?

I agree with Timey! (Flint's fist + Duke's face) x 1000 = BEST SIDE PLOT EVER.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. ys

FUCK, exactly. I HATED the "oh she was just brainwashed" plot. Everybody I saw it with (okay, Michael and Lorrin) hated it too. The one thing I was looking forward to the most in this movie was the Baroness, and I loved every minute of her until that stupid goddamn scene towards the end. Programmed. Please.

I generally liked it other than that, though. And Cover Girl. Nngh.

From what I've been seeing, the 'brainwashed' plot is the thing everyone has hated (well, almost everyone). Which makes me hope that they'll keep that in mind and dump it/retcon it for the next movie.

Especially since they never BURIED Cover Girl and I am good at fanwanking anyone alive.

Sure, someone in all the craziness of the alarm ran to Hawk's office, found both of them, saved both of them because Doc is that damn good, and she's in the med unit somewhere. We just didn't see her.

That's what I believe until I see differently. *sails down the river*

We have a nice barge on this river. =D

movie review: GI Joe

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