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SG-1 Fairly Tales, as told by Lyssie (with prodding by nos)
nos: tell me a story, momma?
nos: *curls up*
Lyss: Once upon a time, there was this Colonel. He was just fresh out of retirement and he found himself in charge of this team that went through this thing called the Stargate. Now, this Colonel, he had an eye for the ladies. And, unlike one of the members of his team (a floppy-haired archeologist named Daniel), Colonel Jack didn't attract insane ladies.
One day, while they were on a planet (he never remembered their designations, so this one was planet Blue), a young priestess girl named Narinna. Now, Narinna liked men, but she'd been a little disturbed by three such men appearing suddenly in the midst of her temple.
Lyss: Luckily, Colonel Jack wasn't a perceptive man. So, even though she wanted all three of them, only he got to sex her. And sex her he did, since she was very willing (and very sweet, although there was one bit where she tied him down and made him say her name, but that's another story entirely). All through the night until, at last, morning came, and it was time for them to leave back through the Stargate.
nos: *happies*
Lyss: And Colonel Jack was a little sad to say goodbye, but he'd had nice sex, and thus, he only patted her on the head, smirked a lot, and mocked Daniel.
Now, unbeknownst to Colonel Jack, Narinna was a very fertile girl, and her extra purpose in having sex with him was to use his sperm to produce super babies.
Thus, nine months later, she had triplets. And they were named Jackina, Daniella, and Teal'cetta.
nos: omg dat so sad
nos: tell me one about thor, momma?
Lyss: They grew and grew until they were adults (they grow fast on planet Blue), and then one day, the Goa'uld came to the planet, and the man in charge said to take the triplets to be his harem. But they refused.
And, lo, the Hero-DNA did rule the day and they killed the Goa'uld, and then contacted Earth and Jack was happy to have children again.
Until Daniel went insane and killed everyone and he lived happily ever after with a flower named Binky.
nos: omg!!!
Lyss: *bows* Right. The one aboutThor.
nos: *claps like wee child*
Lyss: Thor was a mighty, yet lonely Asgard. Until one day when he met Colonel Jack, who had accidentally put too much sugar in his coffee, and was transported to another galaxy.
Poor Thor was immediately smitten with the tall, rangy Earthman, and decided that, over time, he would woo him.
So, over the next several years, the mighty Thor visited the planet and kidnapped Colonel Jack (sometimes Colonel Jack didn't remember these visits, because Thor used a memory device on him).
Unfortunately, one of Thor's colleagues, Loki, got wind of this and decided that he was jealous and wanted a Colonel Jack of his own, so he cloned him.
nos: oh noes!
Lyss: But the clone didn't reach maturity, so Loki sold him as a slave, and tried again.
This time, Thor caught him at it.
And there was a great battle fought between the two Asgard over who would get Colonel Jack's genes, until Colonel Jack's Girl Friday, Carter, pointed out that if there were two, they could share.
And so another Colonel Jack was made (this one was a robot, but Thor didn't tell Loki that), and he went off with Loki to (so he thought) rid the galaxy of the goa'uld.
Lyss: And Thor expressed his love to Jack in a very tearful and emotional scene that was, sadly, left on the cutting-room floor.
nos: oooh! so romantic!
Lyss: But unbeknownst to him, Carter also loved Colonel Jack. And when there was a surprise attack by the goa'uld, she sacrificed herself to save them all.
Colonel Jack heard her dying confession, and declared (for at least the next ten minutes) that he would never love again.
Poor Thor went back to his people and played with Replicator blocks to get over his broken heart.
Lyss: Unfortunately, the Replicators then took over his galaxy and killed all of his people.
nos: oh noes!
Lyss: Except for Thor who escaped back to Colonel Jack. And they went to live on Planet Blue with his triplet daughters and his nearly dead ex-girlfriend. And they all lived happily ever after.
Except for Daniel's pet flower which whithered and died.
nos: whee!
nos: but poor loki an sam!
Lyss: I know. *sad*
Lyss: Once upon a time there was an Asgard named Loki. And this Asgard had a friend named Colonel Jack. Only, unbeknownst to him, Colonel Jack was really a robot. Now, Colonel Jack knew this, but he wasn't going to break Loki's heart, 'cause Colonel Jack was a nice guy (robot) like that.
That is, until the day that Colonel Jack met the Replicator named Eighth. And she reminded him of someone, and she was blonde and she was hot, and suddenly, he decided that Asgard wasn't enough for him anymore.
nos: OMG!
Lyss: Unfortunately, Loki, in an insane moment of jealousy, tried to blow up the galaxy. Colonel Jackrobot and ReplicatorBlondie stopped him. In doing so, they realized that they truly loved each other as only two beings who can merge into one form can.
Lyss: So they took over the galaxy, and ruled everything with an iron fist, until Colonel Jackrobot got tired of the sex. Not. Because Colonel Jackrobot decided that he would never ever be tired of sex, and so he lived forever and ever with his Blonde Replicator, who he started calling Carter, since it made sense to him.
Lyss: There was lots of sex. And, suddenly, lots of little Replicator babies. And they all had Colonel Jackrobot's eyes and RepliCarter's hair.
And Loki's evil genetic intentions.
Lyss: In the end, the universe was overrun by their genetic off-spring and their grand-genetic off-spring. And they all lived happily ever after.
Lyss: Even Daniel, who had finally gotten over Binky's death.
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Anyone else envisioning Jack-as-Strider there? Because...oooo...I think my ovaries just fluttered.
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You, like, rock and stuff. :D
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Ohmygodbecky, but these are the bestest fairy tales ever! (Until I get to the fish one. Nope, read fish, and while it has Biblical overtones and is great, it's not as bestest.)