It's finally hit.

[lyssie]

All the moaning, the blood, the sweat, the tears... It was never about Subreality. It was about making myself feel better at the mediocre skills I had.

What a relief.

Now I don't have to feel bad about not paying attention to the boring and redundant RRs, or the stories that make me wince and grit my teeth. I don't have to send feedback, and I don't have to be constructively critical.

And I can stop caring.

Because it wasn't mine to care about, anyway.

I won't stop writing. The Plot Weasel room has taken up too much space in my brain to ever let it go. I like putting Spike against Lestat, Faith, Stryfe.. Or Dawn against Aeryn.

But it's for my amusement, and always has been.

As for my Muse, I can't get rid of her nor give her up. Writing about her is somewhat redundant, since she is my stories. But maybe I'll stop feeling bad about writing her. Though why I did really is ridiculous, since it was never MY stories that made me wince.

The second fic I ever wrote had my Muse in it. It was a little freaky meta-dream thing that got posted to the PMEB. Now that's scary, because that was long ago.

When did I lose my faith in Subreality? Was it when people first started mocking RRs? I may never know. I got bitter, though. It's very hard to defend things when, in your heart, you agree. Many RRs do, and did, suck. Muse tales, on the whole, are loads of shite. Most of the stuff being posted in Subreality today is complete and utter crap. (aside: I'm not talking the bits from TTR, btw.)

Do I want to go back to the way it was?

No.

Can it move forward? Of course.

But it won't do it with me. Or, at least, those there won't do it... And I'm confused.

I don't want to help 'them' get better.

Besides, isn't that the height of hypocrisy? Setting myself up as some Neo-Subreality-Guru. Yeah. Feel my arrogance.

In the end, I guess I'm just a self-doubting two-bit author with no talent and less intelligence.

But then, I always have been me.

Comments

Huh?

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

Exactly what brought THIS on?

I really hope it wasn't any of my posts, because while I claim apathy for my own lack of interest for Subreality, I don't lay claim to the belief that all Subreality fiction is crap.

Some has been -excellent-. Most has been poodoo.

Re: Huh?

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

Nope. Wasn't you. I just felt very weirdly apathetic.

Thanks.

[mitai.livejournal.com]

::snugs::

Having not been too into the Subreality genre etc, I did notice that your name was mentioned by Tap as being instrumental in the beginning of the whole Subreality thing, so if people WERE to make a Top Five list of the most influential to Subreality, your name could be on it. =)

However, this is not why I posted. Let me put this simply and a little arrogantly. I wouldn't be cowriting with you if you were a crappy two-bit author. Period. End of story. There's a handful of people I would cowrite with on a general basis (ie it wasn't a project or an experiment, it was just an honest, hey, let's cowrite this) and you happen to be one of them.

Let it further be stated that Stormfreak, who had no idea who I was, did know you. (I realize you can turn this to insinuate that since she's apparently attracted to writing and reading crappy fic, of course she knew you, but we both know that isn't true and I just said it so you can't so there.)

[frobisher.livejournal.com]

In the end, I guess I'm just a self-doubting two-bit author with no talent and less intelligence.

Don't make me come all the way over there to beat some sense into you, little missy. *looks stern*

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thank you.

Sadly, the one thing I don't need to worry about (except when it's very late, and I'm depressed) is my ability to believe I am a good writer. Despite my self-insults.

What I really realised is that I am a hypocrite. I want people to send me feedback and goodies and plump up my ego, and write well... And I don't reciprocate. I don't try beta-reading, or offering good constructive criticism at all.

I'm not giving people the chance to improve. And, no, just because I'm not helping doesn't have any effect. But I don't know unless I try.

And. Part of me wants the recognition, like (I think I said) a Subreality Guru.

Where everybody knows my name.

It's causing a bit of self-disgust, really.

Anyway. Thank you.

And, of course, vice versa. *g* Because I co-write with only the best.

hugs, Lys

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

Heh. No worries.

You can still come to St. Louis, though. Maybe I'll actually be able to meet you for lunch.

hugs, Lyss

[frobisher.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sure, that's what you said last time. :-)

I'll probably see you in CA before I see you in MO at this point.

hugs back.